Divorce & Remarriage.

This weeks discussion was very insightful because my parents got a divorce, and it always seems when you've personally been through something its easier to learn from. Obviously from my last post, I think it shows, that my parents did a pretty good job. They we're married for 32 years, they almost raised all they're kids, all we're married except my brother and I. When my parents got a divorce it was after a big change in their lives we had moved from a small town where we we're established and now we we're in a new place with really no family around. My parents both went through some midlife crisis and their divorce was sadly the outcome of it.
The investing thing of it all is my parents have some of the most strong and stable testimonies of anyone I know, and so that was something I molled around in my brain a bit this week. How can two people with such strong testimonies and conviction for the gospel get divorced. Well its one thing to KNOW something and another to apply it in our daily lives, if that we're the easy part we'd all be perfect. One thing I did discover though is that even though my parents divorced, to this day they still have not condoned it. I think this is huge. My parents knew and still know the choice they made was not the right one. All know that if they tried as hard at their old marriages as they are at their new it would have all worked out.
I was talking to my dad about it one day on the way to a family get together, it was a couple hour drive so we had time to talk. One of my favorite scriptures is the one in first nephi where it says it is better that one man perish than a whole nation dwindle in unbelief. Now this scripture is referring to a bad man dying so that he wouldn't bring others down with him. However a couple years ago in institute our teacher asked us to find types of Christ. Scriptures that we wouldn't think we're talking about Christ but through symbolic glasses we would see that it did. This scripture was shared by a young man and I have never seen it the same. It is better that one man perish, Christ, then a whole nation, world, dwindle in unbelief. Mind Blown right?
Well on this drive I decided to take this scripture at a different angle. Like I said my parents know what they did was not right, and they worry that they're kids will follow in their footsteps. This is the analogy I drew up for my dad and I felt, even though it was just me saying it, that it could have had some truth to it.
I said Dad ok, imagine you and mom are sitting on a bench in heaven before you we're born talking about the increasing divorce rate on the earth. You also we're talking about the seven kids that you both would raise(assuming you know this type of information in heaven) and how all of them would have marriages of their own. As parents do you set out to form a plan of how to teach your children that divorce is not the answer. What if this scripture came into your head. "It is better that one marriage perish than 7 marriages dwindle in unbelief." What if you and mom thought what if they only way to show them that divorce is not the answer is to show them that if divorce is chosen, all the heartache and pain that comes from it.
Even though this is a far fetched idea that wasn't probably planned, the outcome i think well still be the same. All of my siblings me included have seen that divorce is defiantly not the easy way out, that as hard as marriage is, divorce is harder.

Parenting

This I found very insightful. The biggest thing I learned was from reading my mom’s journals. I learned that financial strain does not always have to have a negative affect on your family. In my case, it is as was put in this recent general conference. “I did not raise my family on money, I raised them on faith.” I learned that we all have the strong testimonies we do because my mom taught us with the real life hardships we had to turn to our father in heaven for help. We learned that without true sorry you do not know true joy. That means huge things for my future family. That means that no matter the hardships we endure if I can teach my family that we go together and seek the Lords help that will be the best trial ever. I learned from the over all that family is the most important thing in a child’s life, and with family around, no matter what is happening it will be okay because you can pull together. Family is where you get some needs met that isn’t met from parents.

I learned from my parents opposite parenting tactics that even though the seemed polar opposites that they often had the same outcome, weather good or bad, and that I needed to watch for that in my parenting. I learned that my parents actually did some emotion coaching but they would end it with a spank. I think the spank for me at the end wasn’t just a mute point but rather more harm than good. So basically physical punishment is pointless.

I also think I might have finally found a solution for a fear I’ve had with my own children and that solution was that they won’t go looking to fulfill their needs in other unhealthy ways, if you will just sit down and spend quality time with them. This is something I have been racking my brain trying to figure out and now that I think I have found the solution, I am going to try my hardest to remember it. I realized that even though I was raised to value being anxiously engaged in a good cause that your greatest cause, as a mother is your child. Even if it is sitting down on the ground playing babies with them, when you could be making bread for a sick lady in your ward your kids are more important, for the time you spend with them now will be what truly makes them into great people later.

Finances

This week we talked about finances and the class discussion became very interesting to me. One girl was talking about how her family went out to eat multiple times in one week to make the move they had just made to a new state more fun. At the end of the week the father sat them all down and told them how much they had spent, and concluded that it could have bought them two tickets to Disney Land. What she said next was what I thought was the most interesting. It taught us the value of how we can either have something good now or save up for something great later.
This theme of saving for something great is seen all though out our lives, with our appetites and passions, with parenting skills with everything. The sooner it is learned, practiced and mastered, the sooner we become masters of our life.
Finances is just one of the ways to teach us how to bridal our passions, and what an effective way it is! Because we see our consequences right away and we know that we can hide from those consequence by going into debt, but they will always come back to haunt us. Another interesting thing on the positive side of finances is that living within our means gives us peace. Peace is not really described as a "rush" but just something that is there. This is the same with life as we bridal our  passions we are mostly just given a lasting peace.
This is important for us to learn because its just the fact of life. No bells or whistles no prizes really for being responsible just peace. But I think all of us that posses peace or have and are now missing it know the true value of peace is great.

"We'll be ok, if we use it."

"We'll be ok if we use it" Was the closing remark to me from my teacher at the end of this weeks discussion. What did he mean by that? Well it was a response to my comment of a scripture that was flipped quote by a lady in the church Relief Society Presidency. The scripture is to much is given much is required. She then flipped it and said; to whom much is required much is given. But we need to use what has been given to us.
So what resources have been given to these families that are asked to be stable in such an unstable world. Many of these we talked about this week. The most important key is creating a stable marriage to build a stable family upon. This can be done through correct communication. Many of these correct communications are taught through the scriptures.

Ephesians 4:29

• New Testament

Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. 

This is one of many scriptures we dissected in class this week. We talked about each word and what it meant. The word that stuck out to me the most however was the word corrupt. Our teacher asked us what came to our mind when we saw that word. What came to mine was when talking about the apostasy, how when Christ was crucified and his apostles we're killed the authority to run His church was taken from the earth, and what was left was corrupt. 

My class mates said other things that they thought of with the word corrupt communicating, one stating; sarcasm. Now I just got back from one of my sisters houses and she was saying the whole weekend how her family has come to be fluid speakers in the language of sarcasm. To prove her point she said how her autistic daughter who is not made to understand sarcasm can even understand it because thats the language she was brought up on. Now I'm not pointing fingers at my sister and her family because to be honest sarcasm is a form of corrupt communication that we are all quite fluent in, in our society today.

After this was mentioned I started to make a connection between the apostasy and corrupt communication of today. Many people know nothing about the fact that Christ's church was ever lost from the earth, therefore they don't find it too interesting when we tell them the good news of it being restored. Well, many people do not know the damages of some of the corrupt communications that are going on, because everyone speaks it fluently. It is our job to be examples of CORRECT communication. Help people see that this communication can be restored along with marriages. 

The second scripture we discussed was; 

D&C 121:43

• Doctrine and Covenants

Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; 

This scripture was so fun to brake down, but since it took a good chunk of time ill just share my two favorite words from it; Betimes and Sharpness. 
Betimes: Seasonally. Our teacher asked what if you pruned a tree in the wrong season. Answer: it would either not bring forth fruit or die all together. When we Reprove we need to do it at the right time and for the right reason or it could be very harmful.
Sharpness, this one blew my mind! Our teacher quoted a talk by a general authority who redefined sharpness for us. He said think about when your family member is going in for surgery how sharp do you want that doctors tool to be. The sharper it is the cleaner the cut will be and he will be able to get in and out without harming anything more than completely necessary.
Quote: How often do we have conversations with our family members like going into surgery with a butter knife." When we must reprove we must do it in the most delicate way with our best tools. Not going in and sloppily cutting by saying something sarcastic like " oh yea you never leave your clothes on the floor." What would that have sounded like with precise what you meant kind careful language. Maybe, " I know I'm sorry for the mess I made, if I clean this up, do you think you could pick up your clothes it would be so helpful and make cleaning the house less overwhelming. Something like that I don't know. 
SO this week I'm going to work on my communication last but not least one tool we have been given to help us better communicate with our spouses is the tool of being able to communicate with our father in heaven and if we use it, we'll be ok!

.. and you thought you knew so much..

It's funny the more I learn the more I realize the error of my ways. Now I don't think I'm doing things complely wrong but it's been really cool to beable to learn something that I can change in order to have a better marriage.
This week we talked about getting married and adjusting to it. One thing that was discussed was how the actual marriage event effects the marriage. Our teacher basically pointed out that the more MONEY you spend on any of it, the harder it is on your marriage. The ring, the wedding ect. Which when you look at it logically marriage is already hard to start out because money is usually tight, what if you we're already in debt when you started your marriage, well hey at least yuh have a big rock to show off right.
When my husband and I were getting engaged I told him two things. One, I didn't want my ring to scratch my babies, which meant I didn't care if it was small infact I wanted it to be flat as possible. Two, all I really know about the proposal is places aren't special to me people are, so I would love to be proposed to with loved ones close by.
Now coming back to the more MONEY you spend of something. I emphasized money because it was the exact opposite if you said time. The more time and attention the husband spent on the engagement, according to the teacher, reflected the time and effort he would continue to spend towards the marriage.
Now I'm not trying to brag, I don't think really anyone reads this so this is more a journal for me to help me remember and be grateful for the sweet man I married. Before my husband proposed I flew to Arizona to spend sometime with my family for a week. While I was gone he spent a whole week writing a fairytale story and calling my sisters asking for pictures of me when I was little. For the engagement he drove me all the way to Colarado to meet my family, so they would be close when he proposed. This means so much to me because now just on valentines day we were able to take this fairytale book out and read it again.

A date consists of being Paired Off, Planned, and Paid for.

I found this weeks topic very interesting because our teacher also applied it to a document called the Family Proclamation. The family proclamation, among many things, lists the responsibilities of a husband and wife/ mother and father. The role of a husband and father is to Preside, Provide and Protect. The mothers main role is to nurture.
In discussing a date it was defined that a date is not mearly hanging out with the opposite gender but it is something that must be Paired off, Planned, and paid for. As our teacher discussed research of how dating reflects marriage he tied a correlation that I loved.
Paired Off = Protect
Planned = Preside
Paid for = Provide
These men, through dating are not only being able to practice their roles as a husband and father. But the women get to see how willing he is and the desire level he has to do so.
Now on the responsibility of the women is to nurture. Often times dates are awkward or things just don't go very well, it is my belief that women are to nurture the man on the date. If he's awkward give him a chance, if he didn't do his role on the date, teach him how it makes you feel when he does do things that make you feel protected or cared about.
I think your level of commitment to your individual role is the perfect way to date and find a mate. Some people do not hold these roles and too high of importance on their list, and in turn find a mate who doesn't, in this way they may decide to fulfill things in a different way, the husband may be more of the nurturer while the wife gets great satisfaction from her job. Through dating people can find the one they are most compatible with.
When me and my husband were dating I found that our views of our roles, in following the guidelines  of the family proclamation were very aligned. I had never met someone who so desired to fulfill his role. Growing up I have never wanted anything more that to nurture.
However one thing I thought was interesting was that our teacher said how talk is cheap and dating is to show your intentions. So as we dated we were able to see, though action that our desires were more than just words.
There are two events that if you put Jesse and I in separate rooms and asked us each what event was the most important to each of us personally we would be able to tell you.
Jesse's, was when he felt sick and had to stay home from work and I came over and "nurtured" him. Jesse is a very hard worker at school and work, which is the first signs of him being a good provider. So when he called in sick from work it was such a big deal that when his roommates saw him home they said man Jesse you must really be sick. I don't remember what I did but just be there with him, but he remembered it, and I don't think its a coincidence that it happened to be a memory of when I nurtured.
My memory was a Saturday when I had worked hours and hours at work and came home exhausted to a huge homework assignment that I didn't have the slightest idea how to do that was due by twelve. I knew that Jesse had wanted to spend time together all Saturday but I was exhausted and had no makeup on and wasn't planning on putting any on that late at night because I had been having some acne problems. Finally Jesse convinced me to come over, He said there was a couple that had been wanting to watch this movie with us and that he'd have pizza for me and help me with my homework. Well I showed up and he got up sat me down at the counter plugged my computer in and set a warm piece of pizza in-front of me. After I was fed we moved to the couch where he started helping me with my homework. Now helping me is an understatement as I said before I had no idea how to do this assignment. He literally read each question with me, and then found it with me in the book where the answer would be found and read over my shoulder silently and then asked me questions that led me to answer the question on my own and then praised me for my intelligence.
I had come over that night completely vulnerable and he had protected that vulnerability. He had provided food for me and the help I needed. And had basically the definition of the word presided over my homework. That night I looked at him and knew I was in love with him. It was not a feeling of lust or of anything I had experienced, it was a feeling of safety that he would always treat me that way, how can you not love someone like that.

Same sex attraction can be avoided.

This week we watched a documentary on a study of about five men, their ages ranging from 18-40's. Each of these men had the desire to be cured of this attraction if it were at all possible, and were told it was by seeing these specialists. Throughout the study the men talked about their childhood. Almost all of the aspects that research shows causes same sex attraction was found in their childhood. These are a few of them. Not being excepted by other males socially. Not having a good relationship with the father. Being molested. Lack of affection.
Through there counseling with the specialist they we're able to work through their same sex attraction and were able to start feeling attracted to other females. At the end of this article it talks about how the gay community wanted to make these types of therapies illegal, claiming that it brought on more depression because it was labeled as a disfunction rather that who they were. I thought it was interesting however when one of the men in the study said that he had just been in a relationship with a girl that had ended and though he felt sad about the brake up and missed her, the feelings of sadness never came close to the depression he felt when he was having same sex attraction and not knowing their was help.
What I found most intriguing was the hope I felt as I learned about this study. Sometimes these things going on in the world feel completely out of our control or that we have no influence over them. Especially when the gay communities say things like they we're born this way or this is just who they are. As I learned that kids want so badly to be excepted by their peers, and when their not they feel a lack of affection, and eventually go looking for it in the wrong ways.
This made me determined to teach my kids the importance of loving everyone, and including everyone. Because if everyone can just feel loved and cared about then so many of our problems would be gone. Charity Never Faileth!~Moroni 7:47